A Word for 2014: Enough

I'm sitting at the local Barnes & Noble, waiting for my skinny carmel macchiato to cool, and listening to a woman learn to speak Italian as she stumbles through verb conjugation with her tudor-friend.  And frankly, I'm regretting wearing these ankle-bearing flats, because this window is freaking drafty. It's been a while since I've stared at this blank screen, knowing I have things to say, but doubting that I'm saying them the right way.  I relate to this woman next to me, as I write and rewrite this continuing story. I ask for the same grace her friend patiently gives to her because it's about to get real vulnerable up in here...

...These past few days since New Years have been really reflective and cathartic for me. I closed 2013 with a hard heart.  I remember displaying all of the Christmas cards that we received from our friends and family and feeling like I had nothing to show or tell about the past 365 days. Certainly, it was a year in the in-between. No life milestones met, no promotions or new passport stamps.  Scrolling through Instagram and Facebook filled me with bitterness and caused me to believe that my life wasn't enough.  That I wasn't enough.

I was reading through my previous post after six months, and while I still believe that there is truth to those words, they were also really telling of where I was in my life at the time.  I hadn't been to church in I don't know how long, I wasn't spending time in God's Word, I wasn't serving in any way, I wasn't worshipping with anyone or spending time in devoted prayer.  No wonder I had become a cynic! I still believed in Jesus, but there was such a void in my spirit that I couldn't make out any light in the world or in myself.  I wrote and spoke words that made me sound like God and I were BFFs, but those were things I thought I should be writing and saying.  But it wasn't real life.  So, after a lot of mom - talks, and anxious hours trying to sleep, it occurred to me that I had trained my heart to doubt that God really had a plan to give me hope and a future. I had a deep fear for what my future looked like. I didn't trust Him.

I read Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts last year.  I read it, admired her lyrical writing and her ability to empathize with the reader, and when I finished it, I set it on my bedside table, where it collected dust until January 1st, 2014.  There was something different this time. All at once, I knew that the reason my year felt like a complete waste was because I had been filling it thinking about all that my life wasn't, rather than looking up and seeing God's constant love and grace at work.  I wasn't letting myself see the good.

My whole life, I've struggled with not feeling like I was enough.  The things I accomplished weren't enough, my broken body wasn't enough, my personality and all my quirks weren't enough.  I couldn't love myself because all of these things added up to a person who had been measured and found wanting.  Despite the love of my parents, my family, my friends and my husband, I continued to tell myself that I was unloveable.  And after growing up in youth group, being on the CRU drama team at JMU, and being a youth leader, I am just now realizing that people like me are God's specialty.  This is what He lives for...and ultimately, what Jesus died for. I finally get it.  I am enough because Jesus and his grace is enough.  Every day, He fills in my holes with his holiness.  With his wholeness.  

In doing a some research, I came across Judah Smith, who is a Pastor at City Church in Seattle (although he sounds like he came straight from the Bible-Belt south).  If you're looking for a guy who gets grace, I recommend you give this sermon a listen.  Trust me on this one...

I have a lot of soul work to do this year, rebuilding this heart of mine.  I know it takes time for the snow and ice to melt.  I know I tend to impulsively jump into things and then give up after a while.  I don't want to give up on this. He never gives up on me.  I want that light to come back. I know it will. And when the dark comes, I'm gonna break out my handy dandy headlamp until the sun comes up.

Ok...This crappily insulated window is turning my feet blue and I'm getting the "When will you insomniac-hipsters just go home" eye from the barista. Hubby got me some mountain man socks for Christmas and they are calling my name!

Cheers.

A Remedy for Spirit Concussions

It's been a tough couple of weeks.  You know the kind where you just want to throw your hands up and yell into the infinite abyss, "Enough! Enough, already!"  I feel bruised and shaken and I keep wanting to write about it, but then it turns into this Dementor-like pity party, and that's not what I want this space to be.

So instead, I'm going to fill it with things that I'm thankful for. Gratitude seems to be the perfect medicine for spirit concussions.  And I'm not talking about slapping a band-aid on what we are feeling and skipping way with a daisy in hand. No. I'm talking about owning what we're feeling, digging deep, reeling in the truth if it's a little foggy, and moving on with a thankful heart and a plan for progress.  There is a time a sit in the dark, and then there is time to look up and feel the sun on your face.

Today, I'm thankful for:

• Friends, who not only listen, but want to come into my space and sit with me.
• Friends who let me snug with their sweet babies while we wait for our own. 
• Time spent reading poetry with my Nana on her screened in porch.
• The opportunity to watch my cousins grow and develop into some genuinely cool people who are going to make this world a better place. 
• Long and intentional hugs from David when I walk in the door. 
• The safety and sanctity that comes with being married to an honorable, encouraging, and compassionate man. 
• This phase of my life, where I am finally discovering just who I am and the sound of my own voice. 
• The people who have helped me and empowered me to get to this place. 
• The summer oasis of my parent's backyard.
• The feeling of the first sip of ice-cold sangria. 
• This kid...

What are you thankful for today? 

Lessons Learned from "The Voice"

Have you been watching "The Voice" this season? It's the best one yet, somewhat because I don't have to see Christina's overly spray-tanned ta-tas spilling out of her dress, but mostly because of this girl and her coach, Usher.  Michelle Chamuel has been my favorite artist from day one solely because of the fact that from the beginning, she has never wavered from expressing exactly who she is, no matter what. Her look, her poise, her courage, and her pureness of heart has not changed by being in the public eye.  And girlfriend can sing:

Last night, after her second performance, Usher left her with these words, "You are medicine to the world."  

I think I would have just sat down on the stage and cried if anyone said that to me, let alone Usher freaking Raymond.  What an incredible thing to say to someone!  That the way they live their life brings healing to those who hurt, gives strength to those who are beaten down, and gives hope for a better day.  It made me stop, grab a Kleenex, and ask myself, "who am I healing today?"

I think in the midst of the chaos of our busy lives and going from one thing to the next, we lose sight of the fact that every day is an opportunity.  An opportunity to show someone hope, love and grace that might not otherwise know what those words mean. Let's face it.  We all need healing in some way or another.  There isn't a single person out there that isn't fighting a hard battle. And so often we don't let others into our fight because of shame or fear of rejection.  It's a two way street.  We need to be aware that people around us need healing, and we also need to allow others to help us heal.

During our trip to Boca Raton, I watched one of my favorite movies, "Chocolat," for probably the eleventh time.  The final scene is such a source of rejuvenation for me, and it sums up my prayer for change  (watch here):

I'm not sure what the theme of my homily today ought to be. Do I want to speak of the miracle of Our Lord's divine transformation? Not really, no. I don't want to talk about His divinity. I'd rather talk about His humanity. I mean, you know, how He lived His life, here on Earth. His kindness, His tolerance... Listen, here's what I think. I think that we can't go around measuring our goodness by what we don't do. By what we deny ourselves, what we resist, and who we exclude. I think, we've got to measure goodness by what we embrace, what we create, and who we include.

 While I know that goodness isn't everything and that goodness isn't effective without faith, I also know that we are missing something critical about genuinely caring for each other as human beings. I have been so encouraged by Michelle and Usher's partnership and subtle examples of love and celebration of self.  It reminds me that there is hope, and hope is medicine enough for me.

What is it you plan to do...?

 Friends, have you heard this poem by Mary Oliver?

Yes, I know that it's about summer and we are in the damp, cold clutches of the obnoxious and never ending part of winter. And yes, I first heard about this poem while reading Kelle Hampton's blog that I'm obsessed with...(seriously, who isn't obssessed with Kelle Hampton?).   But I want you to pay attention to the last line...

 

I heard today that this week has been named the "most depressing week of the year."  I have no idea who came to that conclusion or how they determined it, but I'm completely on board.  Yeesh, ya'll.  This one is for the birds.  To the tune of, I considered calling out sick this morning because I am having such a bad hair day.  "Buzz, your girlfriend...WOOF!" 

I know I've said this before, but think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I haven't found that thing that I'm supposed to do.  Recently, I've felt a lack of confidence in my chosen career path.  My relationship with my job is such a roller coaster ride.  I love the organization that I work for and the people I work with, but I can't help but feel like there is something else out there that is better suited for me.  The one, tiny, insignificant detail is that I haven't the foggiest inkling as to what that something else is, or how to figure it out.  And for someone who treats goals and direction like Temple Grandin's "Squeeze Machine,"  this wandering does not sit well with me.  PS, if you haven't seen this movie...you need to. Immediately.   

The question that I have yet to find an answer to is, how do I contribute to my family, financially, without sacrificing what brings me joy and fulfillment? Is that a self-centered, first-world, question??  It seems like it when I remember my friends in Zambia who go through so much to fend for their own families and to find employment in the first place. I'm so grateful to have a job, and to work for an organization that values it's employees and their development, and I don't see myself leaving in the very near future...but meanwhile, I feel like I'm losing valuable time doing something that isn't me.

I realize that maybe I won't find THE something I am supposed to do for a long time.  Maybe this time is about being patient and content in what I do have.  But that doesn't make the search any easier.  Learning these major life lessons doesn't come naturally me. I tend to hit major milestones a lot later than most...i.e. my 12 year molars finished coming in when I was a freshman in college...yikes. 

This week, David and I decided to make a "Before Baby Bucket List" of things we want to experience before we start our family.  I think this is a good place to start with the whole making the most of our one wild and precious life.  And if I can't come to any conclusions about the perfect career path at this very moment, maybe we can make some awesome memories in the meantime...

Oh, I forgot to include "Purchase a 13x13 inch print of a deer for my wall," in our list...but I totally did...

 
 Scratch it off the list!

What are YOU doing with your one wild and precious life this week? 

A Word for 2013

 “I know nothing in the world that has as much power as a word. Sometimes I write one, and I look at it, until it begins to shine.” 

Emily Dickinson

I've recently come upon some bloggers (Take Heart, The Wiegands) who have a great idea.  They choose one word to guide the year ahead.  This word steers their decisions and reminds them of the bigger picture.  Words like Peace, Hope, Change, Brave, Light are so powerful and convicting and they play such a huge part in how we go about our days.  "How can I bring peace to those around me today? How can I shine the light of Christ to people who are going through times of darkness? How can I be brave in the midst of this challenge?" It's so encouraging to think about how such a small thing, like a word, can hold so much potential for how we see the world, and how we fit in it.

So I'm totally copying.  I'm picking a word for the year, but you'll have to forgive me for not choosing one that doesn't make you think about skipping through the flowering meadows of Austria and bursting into song. 

My word for 2013 is: Discipline. Here's why:

• I need discipline in taking better care of myself and my diabetes.  Meaning, really paying attention to what my body is doing and not letting this disease take over my life. Oh, and that whole exercising thing? Yeah, so much of my anxiety and self-esteem issues would be solved if I could just make myself get up and break a sweat 5 times a week!
  
• I need discipline in taking captive thoughts that go through my head that just aren't True.  I tend to see my life as a series of pass/fail situations.  I have yet to figure out where in my past that came from, but it's not doing me very well now.
  
• I need discipline in being in the Word everyday.  It's been too long, and my monogrammed study Bible is collecting dust.  I need to remember that all those warm and comforting words, peace, hope, light, all come from His Word.
  
• I need discipline in being thankful in all circumstances. Gosh, that's hard. We've talked about this one before, but it's so true.  Having a heart of gratitude requires constant practice!
  
• I need discipline in keeping up with this blog.  Writing is like a cup of Sleepytime tea to my soul.  I feel like I need a bit more direction with this space, though.  And more photos. Lots more photos.
  
• Finally...sister needs discipline in learning how to cook a meal! The idea of cooking meat, vegetables, some sort of starchy side so that it is somewhat digestible and warm all at the same time gives me heart palps...

So there are a few vague but very real goals for this year.  I'm excited about what new adventures, challenges and friends will come our way,  and how new found discipline will help me along the way.

"Self-discipline is an act of cultivation. It require you to connect today's actions to tomorrow's results. There's a season for sowing a season for reaping. Self-discipline helps you know which is which."
Gary Ryan Blair

For now...I hope 2013 makes you feel like this:



What's your word for 2013?

Giving Thanks

"Delicious Autumn! My very soul is wedded to it, and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth seeking the successive autumns."   George Eliot

It has been a hectic few weeks.  I've been in the process of planning Access Services' 1st Annual Fall Charity Event that took place this past Saturday.  You can gather that our organization has never done a fancy schmancy gala event before, but it was a big success in my book! Yes, there were hiccups, and things to learn and improve for next year, but right now, at this moment, I'm proud of the work that our team put into seeing it through.  

To say that I'm relieved is quite an understatement.  Since Saturday, David and I waited and prepped for Sandy to strike.  We were so grateful that we never lost power, or heat, or water when there are so many along the coast that have lost everything.  At the same time, we got ready for Halloween.  The candles, the decorations, the crisping, crunching leaves, the pumpkin carving and pumpkin seeds.  I'll be honest and say that Halloween is not my favorite holiday.  I usually end up feeling really embarrassed for all the girls that go out in barely any clothes, celebrating that its their one night out of the year to dress like a skank...um. no.   Sexy Chewbacca? Come on, ladies... 

Living in a townhouse community means lots of kids and therefore lots of trick-or-treaters! I was so excited! David carved his usual Philly Art Museum worthy pumpkin, and I kept it simple. I even had a Halloween playlist going as herds of kids rang our doorbell.  I may or may not have been more excited than they were.

And now, it's November.  Now, I can see my breath at night, Starbucks Holiday cups are out, and I'm constantly wondering when it's appropriate for me to start listening to the N*SYNC Christmas album.  But it's also a time for genuine and intentional thanksgiving, and it seems a little bit more meaningful this year.   

Remember this verse?..."Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus (1 Thessalonians 5:18)."  Yeah, that stings a bit.  Because sometimes, it doesn't seem like there is any way to be thankful for down right sucky circumstances.  I've been reading, One Thousand Gifts, by Ann Voskamp.  If you haven't read it yet, immediately open a new tab and order it from Amazon.  In it, she talks about this very struggle.  How do you be thankful for everything, the highs and lows?  She calls thanksgiving a discipline that requires constant practice.  Easier said than done.  She talks about how we are often unable to see God pass us by and go before us when things get rough.  She says,  "I've an inkling that there are times when we need to drive a long, long distance, before we can look back and see God's back in the rear view mirror.   Maybe sometimes about as far as heaven - That kind of distance." 

I'm really working on practicing being thankful, because the more intentional we are about giving thanks, the more we'll see how God has been faithful.  And when there are so many things in life that are unreliable, a good and faithful God is something to cherish.  

Today, on November 1st, I'm thankful for our sweet little home, waiting to be transformed into a Breitmayer story.   (Can't wait to show you the new kitchen...when it's done...which may be a while. Hold your horses!) 

What are you thankful for tonight? 

If You Really Knew Me

Whilst perusing my growing list of blog subscriptions the other day, I came upon a post idea that inspired me to start thinking about how well I really know me.

If you really knew me...

You'd know that I hate, hate, HATE E.T. The thought of some wrinkly, non-human creature popping up in my toy-closet scares the dickens out of me.  I don't care if you think he's cute or if he has Reese's Pieces.

You'd know that I have real commitment issues, but that I'm also really impulsive.  For example, I realize that homey has really let herself go... So, I go buy $150 DVD exercise program, do it for a week, and never turn it on again.

You'd know that I really struggle with anxiety and insecurity.  This stems from my diabetes and feeling like I don't have control of my body or the world around me.  For this reason, I'm really big proponent of counseling/therapy.  I've seen a counselor/therapist/friend for 3 years now, and it is so wonderful to be able to trust your thoughts, feelings, and past with someone who is so vested in your healing.  Seeing a counselor doesn't mean that my faith isn't strong enough, or I don't pray hard enough or I'm not listening to God's voice hard enough.  It means that I'm choosing to confide in someone who isn't directly involved in my family or other relationships  I don't know if this crosses some sort of boundary, but he will always be one of my truest and dearest friends. 

You'd know that I'm not a very picky eater, but I CANNOT eat Ravioli (the cheese-filled kind).  Don't even try. I'll vom. 

You'd know that I believe that Jesus died so that I would not have to fear death, or carry the guilt of my sin, and so that I can have a real, honest friendship with Him. But I still wrestle with my faith and the essence and personality of God every single day.  I wonder why he allowed me to get diabetes, my Pop-pop to pass away unexpectedly at a young age, and why beautiful, faithful, loving African children must go without parents and food and education when they love Him so much.  Maybe I'm not supposed to know why, but I still lay awake at night and wonder. 

You'd know that I also believe that God calls us to LOVE one another.  No. Matter. What.  I don't care who you want to marry, who you want to vote for, what you've done.  Who are we to judge each other? Along the same lines, I believe that God wants us to love ourselves the way He love us.  Maybe I'm being defensive, but it makes me really sad when Christians continue to identify themselves as "sinners" and "wretched."  No.  You are loved and adored and cherished.  No. Matter. What.

You'd know that I still have no idea what my career is supposed to be and that I had no idea what my career was supposed to be when I picked my college major at 17 years old.  How in the world are you supposed to know how you're supposed to contribute to the world at an age when you hardly know yourself?  I've spent 4+ years figuring out what I don't want to do, and have yet to figure out what I do want.  With that said, I'm thankful and blessed for the learning experiences that God has provided so far. 

If you really knew me, you'd know that I find so much solace in writing, but I can't bring myself to do it enough.  In times of stress or depletion, I'm much more drawn to the distraction of a really good film or funny TV show, than to sit down and work through my feelings with pencil and paper. 

You'd know that my deepest regret is not taking dance seriously.  I LOVE to dance.  One of my proudest memories is dancing with one of my dearest friends, Ali, at a high school dance, whereby a group of basketball players stood around the proverbial dance circle and said, "Those be some FUNKY white girls!"  I'll toot my own horn and say that I have no problem feeling out a beat, but I've never been able to pick up an 8-count after seeing it once like the girls who've been dancing since they were four.   Oh, how I wish I could... 

Photo by Nicola Herring Photography

 You'd know that nothing makes me happier than laughing and being goofy (a.k.a completely myself) with my husband.

You'd know that I'm probably going to obsess over all the other things I should have written in this post.  Maybe this kind of thing can come in installments.  This ongoing discovery or rediscovery of what's really going on inside of this heart of mine. 

Comparison is the Thief of Joy

Gosh, I love that quote. (Props to my man, Teddy Roosevelt.)  Mostly because I've always struggled with constantly comparing myself to people around me. It's a terrible habit and I think there should be some sort of medicated patch for it. Clothes, craftiness, the ability to cook,  friends, money, blog followers, fully functioning organs...I could go on.  It's exhausting! What is it about us that is always wanting more that what is in front of us?  Why is it never enough? 

David and I are settling on our first house on Monday.  (Stay tuned for photos!)  It's a cute little townhouse with a window seat for me and a tiny back deck so David can grill.  I am so stinkin' excited to get all of our stuff moved in and to actually start using Pinterest for something productive, like building a spiral metal slide in place of a staircase! We also found people to rent our apartment so we didn't have to break our lease and pay an ungodly amount of money for administration fees...what that means, I still have no idea.  Good things are happening and we are so grateful! And yet, I still find my mind slinking away to the seemingly "better" lives of Facebook friends. It's like some self-destructive addiction.

Side Note: People do not post photos Facebook and Instagram of fights with their boyfriend/girfriend/husband/wife/kids.  They don't post photos of meltdowns during summer vacation, or Friday nights when plans fall through and you're left sitting on the couch with your cat.  But this is the truth: Facebook life is not real life. Real life is messy and brutal sometimes, we just don't choose to publicize it, like self-taken duck lip photos. Everyone has their own stuff!... Seriously, enough with the duck lips.

Here's the thing about comparison, though. It's basically telling yourself that you are not enough, and that what God is doing in your life and what He has planned for you is not enough.  I'm so guilty of this! I've found that it starts with lack of self-confidence and that pesky negative self-talk that seems to buzz around like a horsefly during a pool party. We rob ourselves of finding joy and contentment in the present when we compare our lives with others.  So, I've come up with a mantra that I say to myself any time I start to circle the drain of comparison: "I'm worthy, I'm capable, I'm enough."

What do you do to find contentment and keep yourself from comparing?

Wise Words from Mr. Lucado: Make a Difference

I get weekly emails from Max Lucado, because frankly, he just gets it. This morning it felt like he had crawled into my heart, poked around, ran some tests, and presented me with a neatly packaged report of what I needed to hear, complete with kraft paper, rubber stamps, and baker's twine.

Today I will make a difference. I will begin by controlling my thoughts. A person is the product of his thoughts. I want to be happy and hopeful. Therefore, I will have thoughts that are happy and hopeful. I refuse to be victimized by my circumstances. I will not let petty inconveniences such as stoplights, long lines, and traffic jams be my masters. I will avoid negativism and gossip. Optimism will be my companion, and victory will be my hallmark. Today I will make a difference. 

 I will be grateful for the twenty-four hours that are before me. Time is a precious commodity. I refuse to allow what little time I have to be contaminated by self-pity, anxiety, or boredom. I will face this day with the joy of a child and the courage of a giant. I will drink each minute as though it is my last. When tomorrow comes, today will be gone forever. While it is here, I will use it for loving and giving. Today I will make a difference.

I will not let past failures haunt me. Even though my life is scarred with mistakes, I refuse to rummage through my trash heap of failures. I will admit them. I will correct them. I will press on. Victoriously. No failure is fatal. It’s OK to stumble… . I will get up. It’s OK to fail… . I will rise again. Today I will make a difference.

 I will spend time with those I love. My spouse, my children, my family. A man can own the world but be poor for the lack of love. A man can own nothing and yet be wealthy in relationships. Today I will spend at least five minutes with the significant people in my world. Five quality minutes of talking or hugging or thanking or listening. Five undiluted minutes with my mate, children, and friends.

Today I will make a difference.

On to making a difference today. Hope to see you out there!