A Word for 2014: Enough

I'm sitting at the local Barnes & Noble, waiting for my skinny carmel macchiato to cool, and listening to a woman learn to speak Italian as she stumbles through verb conjugation with her tudor-friend.  And frankly, I'm regretting wearing these ankle-bearing flats, because this window is freaking drafty. It's been a while since I've stared at this blank screen, knowing I have things to say, but doubting that I'm saying them the right way.  I relate to this woman next to me, as I write and rewrite this continuing story. I ask for the same grace her friend patiently gives to her because it's about to get real vulnerable up in here...

...These past few days since New Years have been really reflective and cathartic for me. I closed 2013 with a hard heart.  I remember displaying all of the Christmas cards that we received from our friends and family and feeling like I had nothing to show or tell about the past 365 days. Certainly, it was a year in the in-between. No life milestones met, no promotions or new passport stamps.  Scrolling through Instagram and Facebook filled me with bitterness and caused me to believe that my life wasn't enough.  That I wasn't enough.

I was reading through my previous post after six months, and while I still believe that there is truth to those words, they were also really telling of where I was in my life at the time.  I hadn't been to church in I don't know how long, I wasn't spending time in God's Word, I wasn't serving in any way, I wasn't worshipping with anyone or spending time in devoted prayer.  No wonder I had become a cynic! I still believed in Jesus, but there was such a void in my spirit that I couldn't make out any light in the world or in myself.  I wrote and spoke words that made me sound like God and I were BFFs, but those were things I thought I should be writing and saying.  But it wasn't real life.  So, after a lot of mom - talks, and anxious hours trying to sleep, it occurred to me that I had trained my heart to doubt that God really had a plan to give me hope and a future. I had a deep fear for what my future looked like. I didn't trust Him.

I read Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts last year.  I read it, admired her lyrical writing and her ability to empathize with the reader, and when I finished it, I set it on my bedside table, where it collected dust until January 1st, 2014.  There was something different this time. All at once, I knew that the reason my year felt like a complete waste was because I had been filling it thinking about all that my life wasn't, rather than looking up and seeing God's constant love and grace at work.  I wasn't letting myself see the good.

My whole life, I've struggled with not feeling like I was enough.  The things I accomplished weren't enough, my broken body wasn't enough, my personality and all my quirks weren't enough.  I couldn't love myself because all of these things added up to a person who had been measured and found wanting.  Despite the love of my parents, my family, my friends and my husband, I continued to tell myself that I was unloveable.  And after growing up in youth group, being on the CRU drama team at JMU, and being a youth leader, I am just now realizing that people like me are God's specialty.  This is what He lives for...and ultimately, what Jesus died for. I finally get it.  I am enough because Jesus and his grace is enough.  Every day, He fills in my holes with his holiness.  With his wholeness.  

In doing a some research, I came across Judah Smith, who is a Pastor at City Church in Seattle (although he sounds like he came straight from the Bible-Belt south).  If you're looking for a guy who gets grace, I recommend you give this sermon a listen.  Trust me on this one...

I have a lot of soul work to do this year, rebuilding this heart of mine.  I know it takes time for the snow and ice to melt.  I know I tend to impulsively jump into things and then give up after a while.  I don't want to give up on this. He never gives up on me.  I want that light to come back. I know it will. And when the dark comes, I'm gonna break out my handy dandy headlamp until the sun comes up.

Ok...This crappily insulated window is turning my feet blue and I'm getting the "When will you insomniac-hipsters just go home" eye from the barista. Hubby got me some mountain man socks for Christmas and they are calling my name!

Cheers.

A Statement of Faith and a Challenge for the Church

This post is in response and support of this article, written on cnn.com: 


I think it's time that I confess something, and it may come as a surprise to some of you.  I haven't been to church in a really, really long time.  And while there are some things that my heart continues to long for; worshipping and praising God with other people, seeing children grasp that they are loved by the Creator of this earth, and building relationships with fellow believers, there are also experiences that I've had with churches I've attended that have left me feeling even more broken and ashamed and confused than ever before.  I'd like the share those stories, but first I want to tell you what I believe:

• I believe that God knew me and my inner most thoughts before I was a thought in my parents' mind.  That my life, my choices, my celebrations and my sorrows are important and cherished by Him.

• I believe that God knows, loves and cherishes e.v.e.r.y.o.n.e, no matter what.  This isn't a get out of jail free card, but there are no exclusions or limits to God's pursuit of us.

• I believe that God felt pain and suffering when He allowed Jesus to be crucified, just as any father would.  I believe that Jesus experienced the emptiness of separation from God in hell, and that he proved that he rose from the dead and ascended into heaven.  

• I believe that God created the Earth, but I am not clear about when, or how long it took. I believe that He is the designer of evolution and science and therefore, they can all work together.

• I believe that God uses people, whether that be family, friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands, wives, partners, children to show us His love in a way that we see and feel.  I don't believe that we have the right to condemn how that love is given or received.

• I believe that when we are born, we are imperfect, but never wretched or filled with sin.  I believe that pounding those thoughts into a child's heart and mind is more detrimental and damaging than people realize.  It is possible to be good without believing in God (although, you're missing out some pretty overwhelming love).    

• I believe that God gave us free will so that we could make mistakes, and take ownership of learning from and taking value from those experiences.  I also think that God gave us free will so that we can think for ourselves and wrestle with our faith and our doubt.

• I believe in God's constant forgiveness, when we ask for it.  How do we learn from our mistakes, if we don't own them, apologize and make changes? 

• I believe in the power of prayer and the impact of maintaining my relationship with God through both reaching out and being still to listen.

•  I believe that God hates religion.  I think that rules and regulations become the very idol that He asks us to denounce, because they get in the way of the real relationship that He is waiting to have with us.

• I do not believe that God gave me Diabetes.  God does not inflict suffering and pain on us.  We are broken people, and that can sometimes manifest physically.  In the same vein, our brokenness can sometimes result in terrible things happening to innocent people.  He is there, feeling our pain with us, through it all.  He is there through our anger and confusion and fear, and He is there when we find hope. 

So if I believe all of this, why am I not going to church? I want to point back to Rachel Held Evan's article where she says, 

"Armed with the latest surveys, along with personal testimonies from friends and readers, I explain how young adults perceive evangelical Christianity to be too political, too exclusive, old-fashioned, unconcerned with social justice and hostile to lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people.

I point to research that shows young evangelicals often feel they have to choose between their intellectual integrity and their faith, between science and Christianity, between compassion and holiness.

I talk about how the evangelical obsession with sex can make Christian living seem like little more than sticking to a list of rules, and how millennials long for faith communities in which they are safe asking tough questions and wrestling with doubt."

I'll have what she's having... 

A few months ago,  I went to a church service with a friend.  This particular church is filled with guys and girls my age and their 34,589,903 children.  I was looking forward to reconnecting with people I hadn't seen in a while and worshipping along with their renown praise band.   Everything was great, until the pastor got up to speak, and I realized the topic on the table was one I'd heard about a thousand times before.  Sexual immorality.  Over and over again he told this congregation-held-captive that premarital sex was shameful.  That homosexuality was disgusting.   That there was no room for gay people in church, but there were people down front who can pray it away for you.  By the end, I was sweating, my heart pounding, hoping that there wasn't anyone in the room who was gay or who was questioning if they were gay, just so they didn't have to feel this awful and pointed hatred.  I wanted to ask that pastor one very simple question. "Who do you think you are?"  

Who are we, that we feel we have the authority to pass that kind of condemnation on fellow human beings?  We spend so much time pointing out each others' faults with white knuckles, that we completely miss the whole point:  Love. Grace. More Love.  How's that plank feeling? 

I visited a church with a friend and her family.  The pastor stood in front of his congregation and said, "I don't understand why anyone would need to see a counselor if they have Jesus."  So what happens, if there is a person in that room who is dealing with a serious chemical imbalance, or suicidal thoughts.  What happens if that person is trying to work on these things with a therapist, and that relationship is the only thing that's keeping him from making it all go away?  What happens if that person has never been to church before and now also feels bad about seeing his therapist, but he has no idea who Jesus is?  How do you think this is going to play out?

When I first got married, I remember having a really hard time transitioning from the constant negativity around anything sexual that I heard growing up in my youth group, to all of the sudden being free as a bird.  As a young, high school girl, it felt as though our one and only goal was to be "the bride who wore white."  Needless to say, this very drastic change in mentality because of a 20 minute ceremony, a signed piece of paper and a party was jarring.  I don't want to get into anything too specific here, but I often question whether premarital sex is really as black and white as some make it out to be.  In some gray circumstances, can waiting actually be more damaging to the relationship? What is the Bible's definition of marriage?  What did Adam and Eve's wedding look like? Who signed their marriage certificate?

I guess the point of this post is that I really want to feel safe going to church.  I want my friends who might not believe the same things I do to feel safe going to my church with me.  I want to find out how natural history and God's omniscience and sovereignty coincide.  I want to learn and grow and not feel like I'm part of some cheesy infomercial.  If I wanted to see a concert, I would buy a ticket.  If I wanted to cry my eyes out, I would watch Marley and Me.   If I wanted to feel really bad about myself and the world around me, I would stop taking my medication.   Enough is enough.   

Rachel says this better than I ever could,

"We want to be challenged to live lives of holiness, not only when it comes to sex, but also when it comes to living simply, caring for the poor and oppressed, pursuing reconciliation, engaging in creation care and becoming peacemakers.

You can’t hand us a latte and then go about business as usual and expect us to stick around. We’re not leaving the church because we don’t find the cool factor there; we’re leaving the church because we don’t find Jesus there."

I haven't lost Jesus.  My faith flame has not burned out.  I have hope that I'll find a place where my soul can rest.  Until then...

Amen.

A Word for 2013

 “I know nothing in the world that has as much power as a word. Sometimes I write one, and I look at it, until it begins to shine.” 

Emily Dickinson

I've recently come upon some bloggers (Take Heart, The Wiegands) who have a great idea.  They choose one word to guide the year ahead.  This word steers their decisions and reminds them of the bigger picture.  Words like Peace, Hope, Change, Brave, Light are so powerful and convicting and they play such a huge part in how we go about our days.  "How can I bring peace to those around me today? How can I shine the light of Christ to people who are going through times of darkness? How can I be brave in the midst of this challenge?" It's so encouraging to think about how such a small thing, like a word, can hold so much potential for how we see the world, and how we fit in it.

So I'm totally copying.  I'm picking a word for the year, but you'll have to forgive me for not choosing one that doesn't make you think about skipping through the flowering meadows of Austria and bursting into song. 

My word for 2013 is: Discipline. Here's why:

• I need discipline in taking better care of myself and my diabetes.  Meaning, really paying attention to what my body is doing and not letting this disease take over my life. Oh, and that whole exercising thing? Yeah, so much of my anxiety and self-esteem issues would be solved if I could just make myself get up and break a sweat 5 times a week!
  
• I need discipline in taking captive thoughts that go through my head that just aren't True.  I tend to see my life as a series of pass/fail situations.  I have yet to figure out where in my past that came from, but it's not doing me very well now.
  
• I need discipline in being in the Word everyday.  It's been too long, and my monogrammed study Bible is collecting dust.  I need to remember that all those warm and comforting words, peace, hope, light, all come from His Word.
  
• I need discipline in being thankful in all circumstances. Gosh, that's hard. We've talked about this one before, but it's so true.  Having a heart of gratitude requires constant practice!
  
• I need discipline in keeping up with this blog.  Writing is like a cup of Sleepytime tea to my soul.  I feel like I need a bit more direction with this space, though.  And more photos. Lots more photos.
  
• Finally...sister needs discipline in learning how to cook a meal! The idea of cooking meat, vegetables, some sort of starchy side so that it is somewhat digestible and warm all at the same time gives me heart palps...

So there are a few vague but very real goals for this year.  I'm excited about what new adventures, challenges and friends will come our way,  and how new found discipline will help me along the way.

"Self-discipline is an act of cultivation. It require you to connect today's actions to tomorrow's results. There's a season for sowing a season for reaping. Self-discipline helps you know which is which."
Gary Ryan Blair

For now...I hope 2013 makes you feel like this:



What's your word for 2013?

He is the Same

When I find myself in the midst of uncertainty, confusion, fear, it always helps me to write. To get this swirling, spiraling, snowballing mess out of my mind and onto a page. Something I can hold and see, words that are the same every time I read them. There is comfort in returning to something that will always be the same, when so much of life is constantly in flux. I don't know what will end up on this page, but I know I need to see these words in front of me.

This weekend, my heart and my spirit were wrecked.  When I close my eyes, I see the sweet, pure smiling faces of those kids, the passion and love the teachers had for them. I see the terror and shock of their parents, friends and siblings.  I want to be in their homes and hold these families and rock in the dampness of our tears together. I can't turn off the news because I want to feel their sorrow and heartache, so they know they aren't alone.  I don't want to turn the other way. I don't want to pretend it didn't happen, because it did. 

I came across this post the other day, and it was such a great reminder of God's unchanging love for his children. There is such peace in knowing that God is still good, God is still great, even in the midst of such evil and brokenness. Just like words on a page, He is the same.

(Warning: the following is a look into my constant wrestling match with God's being...)  But there is part of me that is still confused.  If God is sovereign and in control...why didn't He step in on Friday? In His "perfect timing," why didn't He intervene and save the 20 children and 6 women who had so much left to give this world?  Even if He did give us free will, and even if we do choose to turn away from Him at times, why didn't He protect the innocent that morning?

I guess I could ask the same thing about His own Son... he could have intervened and saved Jesus from the cross, a punishment for a crime he didn't commit...but then where would we be? The stone would still be blocking His tomb.  There would be no victory over death. We would have no hope of Heaven. But writing that doesn't take away the sorrow of knowing that these families are grieving so heavily, though.  It makes me wish that God's nature wasn't so mysterious.  That His ways and timing made more sense.  That the innocent didn't pay for the sin of the wicked...

I don't think we're supposed to understand.  There is no making sense of this.  What we are supposed to do is be God's hands, and ears,and mouth and shoulders.  We're supposed to invite Him into this pain and feel it with us, because He does, and He will. 

I'll leave you with one of my favorite Christmas songs, "I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day."  I love the last verse...

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep

"God is not dead, nor does He sleep

The wrong shall fail, the right prevail

With peace on earth, goodwill to men."