A Word for 2014: Enough

I'm sitting at the local Barnes & Noble, waiting for my skinny carmel macchiato to cool, and listening to a woman learn to speak Italian as she stumbles through verb conjugation with her tudor-friend.  And frankly, I'm regretting wearing these ankle-bearing flats, because this window is freaking drafty. It's been a while since I've stared at this blank screen, knowing I have things to say, but doubting that I'm saying them the right way.  I relate to this woman next to me, as I write and rewrite this continuing story. I ask for the same grace her friend patiently gives to her because it's about to get real vulnerable up in here...

...These past few days since New Years have been really reflective and cathartic for me. I closed 2013 with a hard heart.  I remember displaying all of the Christmas cards that we received from our friends and family and feeling like I had nothing to show or tell about the past 365 days. Certainly, it was a year in the in-between. No life milestones met, no promotions or new passport stamps.  Scrolling through Instagram and Facebook filled me with bitterness and caused me to believe that my life wasn't enough.  That I wasn't enough.

I was reading through my previous post after six months, and while I still believe that there is truth to those words, they were also really telling of where I was in my life at the time.  I hadn't been to church in I don't know how long, I wasn't spending time in God's Word, I wasn't serving in any way, I wasn't worshipping with anyone or spending time in devoted prayer.  No wonder I had become a cynic! I still believed in Jesus, but there was such a void in my spirit that I couldn't make out any light in the world or in myself.  I wrote and spoke words that made me sound like God and I were BFFs, but those were things I thought I should be writing and saying.  But it wasn't real life.  So, after a lot of mom - talks, and anxious hours trying to sleep, it occurred to me that I had trained my heart to doubt that God really had a plan to give me hope and a future. I had a deep fear for what my future looked like. I didn't trust Him.

I read Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts last year.  I read it, admired her lyrical writing and her ability to empathize with the reader, and when I finished it, I set it on my bedside table, where it collected dust until January 1st, 2014.  There was something different this time. All at once, I knew that the reason my year felt like a complete waste was because I had been filling it thinking about all that my life wasn't, rather than looking up and seeing God's constant love and grace at work.  I wasn't letting myself see the good.

My whole life, I've struggled with not feeling like I was enough.  The things I accomplished weren't enough, my broken body wasn't enough, my personality and all my quirks weren't enough.  I couldn't love myself because all of these things added up to a person who had been measured and found wanting.  Despite the love of my parents, my family, my friends and my husband, I continued to tell myself that I was unloveable.  And after growing up in youth group, being on the CRU drama team at JMU, and being a youth leader, I am just now realizing that people like me are God's specialty.  This is what He lives for...and ultimately, what Jesus died for. I finally get it.  I am enough because Jesus and his grace is enough.  Every day, He fills in my holes with his holiness.  With his wholeness.  

In doing a some research, I came across Judah Smith, who is a Pastor at City Church in Seattle (although he sounds like he came straight from the Bible-Belt south).  If you're looking for a guy who gets grace, I recommend you give this sermon a listen.  Trust me on this one...

I have a lot of soul work to do this year, rebuilding this heart of mine.  I know it takes time for the snow and ice to melt.  I know I tend to impulsively jump into things and then give up after a while.  I don't want to give up on this. He never gives up on me.  I want that light to come back. I know it will. And when the dark comes, I'm gonna break out my handy dandy headlamp until the sun comes up.

Ok...This crappily insulated window is turning my feet blue and I'm getting the "When will you insomniac-hipsters just go home" eye from the barista. Hubby got me some mountain man socks for Christmas and they are calling my name!

Cheers.

A Remedy for Spirit Concussions

It's been a tough couple of weeks.  You know the kind where you just want to throw your hands up and yell into the infinite abyss, "Enough! Enough, already!"  I feel bruised and shaken and I keep wanting to write about it, but then it turns into this Dementor-like pity party, and that's not what I want this space to be.

So instead, I'm going to fill it with things that I'm thankful for. Gratitude seems to be the perfect medicine for spirit concussions.  And I'm not talking about slapping a band-aid on what we are feeling and skipping way with a daisy in hand. No. I'm talking about owning what we're feeling, digging deep, reeling in the truth if it's a little foggy, and moving on with a thankful heart and a plan for progress.  There is a time a sit in the dark, and then there is time to look up and feel the sun on your face.

Today, I'm thankful for:

• Friends, who not only listen, but want to come into my space and sit with me.
• Friends who let me snug with their sweet babies while we wait for our own. 
• Time spent reading poetry with my Nana on her screened in porch.
• The opportunity to watch my cousins grow and develop into some genuinely cool people who are going to make this world a better place. 
• Long and intentional hugs from David when I walk in the door. 
• The safety and sanctity that comes with being married to an honorable, encouraging, and compassionate man. 
• This phase of my life, where I am finally discovering just who I am and the sound of my own voice. 
• The people who have helped me and empowered me to get to this place. 
• The summer oasis of my parent's backyard.
• The feeling of the first sip of ice-cold sangria. 
• This kid...

What are you thankful for today? 

A Word for 2013

 “I know nothing in the world that has as much power as a word. Sometimes I write one, and I look at it, until it begins to shine.” 

Emily Dickinson

I've recently come upon some bloggers (Take Heart, The Wiegands) who have a great idea.  They choose one word to guide the year ahead.  This word steers their decisions and reminds them of the bigger picture.  Words like Peace, Hope, Change, Brave, Light are so powerful and convicting and they play such a huge part in how we go about our days.  "How can I bring peace to those around me today? How can I shine the light of Christ to people who are going through times of darkness? How can I be brave in the midst of this challenge?" It's so encouraging to think about how such a small thing, like a word, can hold so much potential for how we see the world, and how we fit in it.

So I'm totally copying.  I'm picking a word for the year, but you'll have to forgive me for not choosing one that doesn't make you think about skipping through the flowering meadows of Austria and bursting into song. 

My word for 2013 is: Discipline. Here's why:

• I need discipline in taking better care of myself and my diabetes.  Meaning, really paying attention to what my body is doing and not letting this disease take over my life. Oh, and that whole exercising thing? Yeah, so much of my anxiety and self-esteem issues would be solved if I could just make myself get up and break a sweat 5 times a week!
  
• I need discipline in taking captive thoughts that go through my head that just aren't True.  I tend to see my life as a series of pass/fail situations.  I have yet to figure out where in my past that came from, but it's not doing me very well now.
  
• I need discipline in being in the Word everyday.  It's been too long, and my monogrammed study Bible is collecting dust.  I need to remember that all those warm and comforting words, peace, hope, light, all come from His Word.
  
• I need discipline in being thankful in all circumstances. Gosh, that's hard. We've talked about this one before, but it's so true.  Having a heart of gratitude requires constant practice!
  
• I need discipline in keeping up with this blog.  Writing is like a cup of Sleepytime tea to my soul.  I feel like I need a bit more direction with this space, though.  And more photos. Lots more photos.
  
• Finally...sister needs discipline in learning how to cook a meal! The idea of cooking meat, vegetables, some sort of starchy side so that it is somewhat digestible and warm all at the same time gives me heart palps...

So there are a few vague but very real goals for this year.  I'm excited about what new adventures, challenges and friends will come our way,  and how new found discipline will help me along the way.

"Self-discipline is an act of cultivation. It require you to connect today's actions to tomorrow's results. There's a season for sowing a season for reaping. Self-discipline helps you know which is which."
Gary Ryan Blair

For now...I hope 2013 makes you feel like this:



What's your word for 2013?

Giving Thanks

"Delicious Autumn! My very soul is wedded to it, and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth seeking the successive autumns."   George Eliot

It has been a hectic few weeks.  I've been in the process of planning Access Services' 1st Annual Fall Charity Event that took place this past Saturday.  You can gather that our organization has never done a fancy schmancy gala event before, but it was a big success in my book! Yes, there were hiccups, and things to learn and improve for next year, but right now, at this moment, I'm proud of the work that our team put into seeing it through.  

To say that I'm relieved is quite an understatement.  Since Saturday, David and I waited and prepped for Sandy to strike.  We were so grateful that we never lost power, or heat, or water when there are so many along the coast that have lost everything.  At the same time, we got ready for Halloween.  The candles, the decorations, the crisping, crunching leaves, the pumpkin carving and pumpkin seeds.  I'll be honest and say that Halloween is not my favorite holiday.  I usually end up feeling really embarrassed for all the girls that go out in barely any clothes, celebrating that its their one night out of the year to dress like a skank...um. no.   Sexy Chewbacca? Come on, ladies... 

Living in a townhouse community means lots of kids and therefore lots of trick-or-treaters! I was so excited! David carved his usual Philly Art Museum worthy pumpkin, and I kept it simple. I even had a Halloween playlist going as herds of kids rang our doorbell.  I may or may not have been more excited than they were.

And now, it's November.  Now, I can see my breath at night, Starbucks Holiday cups are out, and I'm constantly wondering when it's appropriate for me to start listening to the N*SYNC Christmas album.  But it's also a time for genuine and intentional thanksgiving, and it seems a little bit more meaningful this year.   

Remember this verse?..."Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus (1 Thessalonians 5:18)."  Yeah, that stings a bit.  Because sometimes, it doesn't seem like there is any way to be thankful for down right sucky circumstances.  I've been reading, One Thousand Gifts, by Ann Voskamp.  If you haven't read it yet, immediately open a new tab and order it from Amazon.  In it, she talks about this very struggle.  How do you be thankful for everything, the highs and lows?  She calls thanksgiving a discipline that requires constant practice.  Easier said than done.  She talks about how we are often unable to see God pass us by and go before us when things get rough.  She says,  "I've an inkling that there are times when we need to drive a long, long distance, before we can look back and see God's back in the rear view mirror.   Maybe sometimes about as far as heaven - That kind of distance." 

I'm really working on practicing being thankful, because the more intentional we are about giving thanks, the more we'll see how God has been faithful.  And when there are so many things in life that are unreliable, a good and faithful God is something to cherish.  

Today, on November 1st, I'm thankful for our sweet little home, waiting to be transformed into a Breitmayer story.   (Can't wait to show you the new kitchen...when it's done...which may be a while. Hold your horses!) 

What are you thankful for tonight?