The Thing That Goes "Ugghh" in the Night

In the diabetes world, there is nothing scarier than a low blood sugar (hypoglycemia)

in the middle of the night.  For the past 19 years, I've been lucky enough to feel my lows before they get out of control and luckier still to have the symptoms wake me up at night. These symptoms usually include feeling shaky, nervous, weak, and ridiculously sweaty (as if I don't sweat enough as it is...)

Last night was different. Maybe it was that I exercised for the first time in a long time that afternoon (using my brand spanking new Step Up Dance Revolution Work Out DVD, I might add), or maybe it was the fact that I woke up at 2am to use the bathroom, and blind bolused  (taking insulin without testing your blood sugar...bad, bad move) while I was half asleep because I thought I was feeling symptoms of high blood sugar...but I crashed.  Bad.  At 3am, I sat straight up in bed, dripping in sweat, my heart pounding, feeling as though every cell of my body was vibrating.  All I could do was let out an exasperated moan.  I guess it was loud enough to wake David from his bear-like hibernation (a miracle in itself), because he sat up too, asking what was wrong.  All I could say was "really low," beads of sweat dripping down my face.  He got up immediately and ran to get my some juice.  When he returned with the 64 ounce glass (bless his heart), he helped me test my blood.  I was expecting something like 50.... 

It was 30.  3-0.  Not the "30, flirty and thriving," kind.  The "Is this the type of diabetic situation that ends in a hospital visit" kind. A normal person's blood sugar sits between 90-115...and I was 30. 

At that point, my hands were shaking so bad that I spilled my juice down the front of me, so I switched to glucose tabs...(Side note: How can scientists create an artificial pancreas, but still can't produce glucose tabs that don't taste like I'm swallowing a stick of chalk that's been dipped in orange extract?)  Scenes from Steel Magnolias were coming to mind.  The scenes that used to make me feel so lucky that I wasn't the type of diabetic that always needed to have Glucagon (sort of like an Epi-pen for when your blood sugar is so low that it causes you to pass out) always at the ready or knew the ER nurses on a first name basis.  It never once crossed my mind that something like that would or could ever happen to me. I've never had to go to the hospital for my diabetes, and I've never had to use Glucogon. Ever. Last night, I realized that I'm not immune. That incredibly scary situations can happen to me and they may happen again.

Soon enough, I started to feel somewhat normal again, just as the inevitable "Hypo-hangover" set it.  I looked over at David, and said, "That could have been really, really bad." I sank into a heavy, damp sleep.  

Can I just say, that my husband is one of the most selfless and compassionate people I've ever met?  Even if he isn't saying anything, his eyes always tell me exactly what he's thinking.  "I want to take this from you." "I hate that you have to feel this way" "Thank you, God, for protecting her."  It's a humbling feeling, getting to spend the rest of your life with someone like that.  

I'm okay now.  Although I'm having a hard time concentrating on anything today.  I just keep thinking, "What if I didn't wake up when I did?"  Where would I be right now? Maybe those questions are melodramatic, but that's what's been going on in my head today.  

That...and pure, unadulterated gratitude.

A Word for 2013

 “I know nothing in the world that has as much power as a word. Sometimes I write one, and I look at it, until it begins to shine.” 

Emily Dickinson

I've recently come upon some bloggers (Take Heart, The Wiegands) who have a great idea.  They choose one word to guide the year ahead.  This word steers their decisions and reminds them of the bigger picture.  Words like Peace, Hope, Change, Brave, Light are so powerful and convicting and they play such a huge part in how we go about our days.  "How can I bring peace to those around me today? How can I shine the light of Christ to people who are going through times of darkness? How can I be brave in the midst of this challenge?" It's so encouraging to think about how such a small thing, like a word, can hold so much potential for how we see the world, and how we fit in it.

So I'm totally copying.  I'm picking a word for the year, but you'll have to forgive me for not choosing one that doesn't make you think about skipping through the flowering meadows of Austria and bursting into song. 

My word for 2013 is: Discipline. Here's why:

• I need discipline in taking better care of myself and my diabetes.  Meaning, really paying attention to what my body is doing and not letting this disease take over my life. Oh, and that whole exercising thing? Yeah, so much of my anxiety and self-esteem issues would be solved if I could just make myself get up and break a sweat 5 times a week!
  
• I need discipline in taking captive thoughts that go through my head that just aren't True.  I tend to see my life as a series of pass/fail situations.  I have yet to figure out where in my past that came from, but it's not doing me very well now.
  
• I need discipline in being in the Word everyday.  It's been too long, and my monogrammed study Bible is collecting dust.  I need to remember that all those warm and comforting words, peace, hope, light, all come from His Word.
  
• I need discipline in being thankful in all circumstances. Gosh, that's hard. We've talked about this one before, but it's so true.  Having a heart of gratitude requires constant practice!
  
• I need discipline in keeping up with this blog.  Writing is like a cup of Sleepytime tea to my soul.  I feel like I need a bit more direction with this space, though.  And more photos. Lots more photos.
  
• Finally...sister needs discipline in learning how to cook a meal! The idea of cooking meat, vegetables, some sort of starchy side so that it is somewhat digestible and warm all at the same time gives me heart palps...

So there are a few vague but very real goals for this year.  I'm excited about what new adventures, challenges and friends will come our way,  and how new found discipline will help me along the way.

"Self-discipline is an act of cultivation. It require you to connect today's actions to tomorrow's results. There's a season for sowing a season for reaping. Self-discipline helps you know which is which."
Gary Ryan Blair

For now...I hope 2013 makes you feel like this:



What's your word for 2013?

Write it Down.

(Get your mind out of the gutter...)

After listening to a simply wonderful NPR segment today on my way into the city, I heard the most liberating and restorative poem: 

I didn’t trust it.
But I drank it anyway
The wine of my own poetry.
 

It gave me the daring,
To take hold of the darkness
and cut it into pieces.
—Lalla, A Sufi Poet

What an image! Gripping your suffering and pain with white knuckles and cutting it up with sharp shears, like a love letter from someone you thought you could trust. 

I used to write poetry. One of my favorite times in college was the small family that grew out of a basic level poetry class.   We took risks, and some shared deep dark parts that were hidden by snow white dresses.  I miss it, desperately.  

From my own experience, writing can be such an integral part of healing and recovery.  It allows for the sorting out of all those pesky and painful thoughts that buzz around in your head like bees.  It puts them in plain sight and helps you to become reacquainted with yourself again.  

You don't have to be a poet. Just put the pen or your favorite Ticonderoga to some paper and let it fly.  My Nana used to tell me to spend 10 minutes a day writing. It didn't matter what.  When I would visit her, she would come up with a prompt and we would set the clock and start scribbling down whatever came to mind.  Sometimes I would surprise myself when the little bell rang and read over the words that had spilled out on the page.  I remember feeling lighter, like dropping a heavy suitcase to the floor after a long day of traveling. 

I'm going to start writing again. You should too.  Just see what happens.

Need some help?  Check out a daily writing prompt website like Writer's Digest!

Not Alone.

So, apparently it's Diabetes Blog Week. If there is one thing that I've come to realize over the past few months or so, it's that having a disease or disability can be very isolating sometimes. Even though the fact that I have diabetes is in no way my fault, there is still a sense of shame that comes with it. There is also a lot anxiety and depression, two things I know a lot about. But the thing is, I've learned that there are TONS of fellow Type 1-ers out there who are going through the same frustration and burnout that I am. Knowing that makes me realize that I need community and support from people, even if it's through the internet, who REALLY know what it's like and don't ask stupid questions like, "Why are you eating that candy bar? Don't you have diabetes?" (Do us all a favor...before you try to tell someone how to handle their diabetes...just stop talking. Just stop. Immediately.)

(image from Type 1 Diabetes Memes)

 Here are a few diabetes blogs that I follow and have found really helpful:

• Texting my Pancreas  
• Six Until Me 
• Bitter~Sweet  
• Tenaciously Sweet 
• Type 1 Diabetes Memes

 Recently, I've been struggling with the fact that it seems like EVERYONE I know is getting pregnant and starting families.  I know, I know...."You just got married, don't rush into parenthood.  Enjoy your time with your husband."  I do. I promise. We aren't planning on starting our family for a few more years.  But that doesn't mean that I haven't thought about being a mom every day since I was ten years old.  During a time when I really have no stinkin' clue what I'm supposed to do as a career, I do know that I'm supposed to be a mom and to love our baby B's without reservation and help them to realize who God created them to be. And that will happen. But not the way I envisioned since I was a little girl. You see, having diabetes makes pregnancy pretty complicated; complete with hardcore planning, ridiculous amounts of pressure, teams of doctors, never-ending appointments, and an unhealthy supply of fear that I am responsible if something were to happen to our baby.  Sounds blissful and romantic, doesn't it? 

I understand that not all pregnancies are blissful and romantic.  Things happen all the time.  But I'm still angry that I won't ever be able to have one that isn't High Risk.  It's like I'm grieving the loss of a dream. A dream that was really important to me.  I was so looking forward to the whole process, and now I'm utterly terrified. Like nightmares and meltdowns years before we even start trying - terrified.  

Enter my friend, Kelly who was one of the photographers at my wedding.  Kelly just happens to have Type 1 too, and even better just had a beautiful baby girl a few months ago. A HEALTHY baby girl.  I can't tell you how much of an answered prayer Kelly has been.  She is so supportive and so real when it comes to the absolute and unadulterated suck that is diabetes.  She has eased my fears and has helped me to believe that I will be able to bring a healthy baby into the world someday too.

I've spent too much of my life believing that I am supposed to do this all by myself. Not true. I am not alone.
 

YOU are not alone. Please, please know and believe that. 

Welcome, friend.

Hi,
I'm Katelin. I'm a twenty-something newlywed from the suburbs of Philadelphia. (Vague enough for you?) I love a well-written and witty rom-com on the couch with a glass of chilled Riesling, a thought-provoking poem by Billy Collins, snuggling with my two kitties, Fitz and Remy, and a spontaneous adventure with my incredibly good-looking husband, David:

(Enter incredibly good-looking husband, David.)

I also have Type 1 Diabetes. I've had it since I was six years old, and I'm just now beginning to pull my head from the sand and accept it. My Diabetes has been a really big source of pain, anger, fear and anxiety for me, but my goal for these next few years is to change my temper tantrum, whining, resentful mindset into that of courage and grace. Can you help me do that? Because I've also just started to realize that I can't do it on my own. I need to let my family and friends support me, and I need to let Jesus do His thing in my life through this challenge.

Now, I have a confession to make. This is my third blog. I may or may not have an issue with follow-through. My first blog focused on stories from my alma mater, James Madison University (Go Dukes!). Number of posts: 3. Next came the more specific budget wedding planning blog. Number of posts: 8. You see my point. So here is my strategy for the current, there is no strategy. There is no pressure. Just a splattering of ideas and thoughts that might:

A. make your day a little brighter,
2. help me to feel more comfortable living in the present, rather than constantly looking to the future, or
d: bring some refreshment to a rough day at school or work, via hilarious things found on the internet...i.e. 13 Simple Steps to Get Through a Rough Day.

(Also, 10 points to whoever knows the source of "A, 2, d.")

So there you have it, folks. The long and short of it. Feel free to comment, subscribe, share, spread the word, and/or show interest in advertising on this little project of mine so my house can look like those found on Pinterest.

Thanks for stopping by...